when is it time to let go

I have been asking myself this question for a while.  When is it time to be done... when is it you have done all you can do and there us nothing left.  After being torn down, being told your not loved, wanted in anyway, or doesn't even want to be around. What are you to do then but cry. Yes I said it cry that's all some people can do as they wrap there minds around what's happening.


Its hard to keep a relationship alive,  I mean things can come in the way friendships with people of the opposite sex, pushing each other away, always finding the faults in the other person, and not lisening and trying to work out the rough patches.

Examples, saying something like I don't love you and don't know why I am still here, or you mean nothing to me. What do you say to that,  how do you take that in, how do u let go. Or this you have a friendship with someone of the opposite sex and its interfering with your relationship with your significant other, do you carry that friendship on or do you listen to the other person and put there needs ahead of your own. It's a hard road and when your at a crossroads what do you do, do u go the opposite way or do you follow the person maybe you are behind trying to catch up, how do you catch up how do you run and grab that persons hand and stay on the road together? If I only new maybe I wouldn't be in the boat I am in now.

For me I think its having a God centered relationship. Before you can more forward you have to ask God for forgiveness of the past. Help to move forward,  to take everything with a grain of salt. That when we get angry instead of saying things that will hurt the other person,  we take it to God ask him to help us speak words of kindness of love and words that build up and don't tear down. Which let me just say this blogger at times has a hard time doing when words of hurt are thrown at me I throw them right back. Say stuff I shouldn't. So I even need to learn from the words, to pray for words of peace and not words of hate or anger.

So when do you let go.. well as a christian we are called to a different standard. We are to forgive,  to not keep count of wrongs,  to seek God. Pray ask God what to do, seek counseling and advice from someone who is Godly and will have you seek God.

So when is it time to give up... I will let you decide for yourselves.

do I love you???

I have been with this guy for 4 yrs. When I first meet him he was the man of my dreams, someone who wanted to take care of me, wants to be with me, and spend the rest of his life with me. If you would have asked me then was I ready to spend the rest of my life with this man I would have said yes and that I could wait. We were doing things right. Waiting til marriage,  spending time together, growing in our relationship with God and encouraging each other to grow in our faith. I dreamed about walking down the aisle to him standing there with tears in his eyes as i walk down the aisle, holding my hands as they shake cause I am so excited but also at the same time so nervous wondering if I will make a good wife and motherhood his children.  Wondering what's going on in his head and is he thinking and wondering about the same things I was. If you would have asked me then I would have said I am ready to take that leap of faith and together with God as the head we would make it.

But now. .. now is another story... I have been madly in love with what I thought was the man of my dreams but he is no longer in love with me. If you were to ask me if I am in love with him, I don't know if I could answer that. I love him and will always love him but the man I feel in love with I can't seem to find. It's funny when we started dating he played me a song "I'm at war" by Sean Kingston and lil Wayne. .. in the song it's says I'm at war fighting for the one I love and the one that I truly need... I feel like I have fought a war trying to find him... but now I feel I am sinking into quick sand trying to fight for something I can't seem to find and someone to help but I can't seem to locate the person I need help from... if you were to ask me today am I still how I was ... I would have to say we will see... I wish I was but now we will see...



All I know is I have God and if any of my relationships will work God has to be first and not last.

For a friend that lost her baby around the time I did

As this time of the year comes around I think of our little bundles of joy, that although may not be with us are looking down from heaven smiling. Its funny there are some nights when I am just about asleep I feel these little lips kiss my cheek and know I am getting a kiss goodnight from my little man. Your little doll is looking from heaven and smiles when you smile. She is having such fun with family and my little man playing together. Some nights as I sleep and dream I see them both .. they come and play with me ask about all of us and what we are doing, tell me to tell you and Cory how much they both love you and that when u feel that little kiss on your cheek as you fall asleep its just them or that hug you really needed its them. Looking at summer today and having her put her head on mu shoulder and kissing me made me long for our little ones. The time in our lives and in there precious lives were not right so God called them home. As its sad for us i know we can be happy cause we know they ard happy. I love you ash. As you sleep and start to dream and feel the slightest faint kiss its your dolly kissing u night night mamma!!!

To my Daddy

To My Daddy,

I know that it has been two years since God has taken me home out of mommy's tummy. Its funny mommy when she was a little girl always thought that angels came down from heaven when the sun rays come down and taking those who have passed to heaven with them. On the day of the accident when mommy knew something was wrong she asked God to show her a sign and he did. Mommy looked into the sky and there was the sun with the rays coming down and mommy knew I was no longer here on earth, even though you are sad daddy I want you to know that I am happy. I don't have any pain or have to go through anything you go through, no heartache or anything that comes with living in the world.

I remember every time you came home or talked to mommy cause it always made me happy. Daddy I know that you blame yourself for the lose of me but it was not your fault daddy how were you to know, God wanted me so much and knew that I would be happy. There is no fighting here daddy and everyone's happy cause we are with God everyday. All the children here get to listen to Bible stories and then there are time that my grandparents and great grandparents talk about the family. I get to here about you and Mommy and how you two were as children. I laugh a lot daddy at how you and mommy were. I want you to be happy like I am happy. Smile when you think of me cause I know when I think of you I smile all the time. I can't wait til that day that I finally get to meet you. I will be waiting for you at the Gates to grab your hand and hand and hand go into heaven together. Oh what a joy that will be. 

Daddy I see that you cry a lot over me and that you aren't close to mommy like you told me you would be. Why not, daddy? You can't blame mommy or your self for me going to heaven it was my time. Mommy loves you and I know you love her, I can see the way both your eyes twinkle when you see each other. Daddy you should not fear with having babies with mommy. You will have babies and you can't be in your own way. I see you and mommy with a whole bunch of little ones. You daddy have to get over you, let God guide you and you will be happy. I know that I am speaking not like a child but like a grown up but daddy you need to hear this daddy. I am after all mommy's little boy :).

Daddy its time that you stop blaming yourself and be happy. I know mommy makes you happy and you make her happy. Daddy, no more crying Daddy. Cause when you see the sun think of me and all the other little children in heaven we are smiling down from Heaven,  sharing some joy with our families. 

I know this may make you cry daddy and that is ok. 

I want you to remember that when you lay your head to sleep and you feel the faintest of kisses on your cheek that its just me. Saying goodnight and that I love you. I know you will never forget me but its time to move forward with life and not stay in heartache daddy. 

I love you from Heaven

Your little Man

Jose Richard Leavitt Ray

Praising God through the Storms

Lets look at some people who Praised God though the storms in there life, the first one we will look at is a Man who lost his oxen and his donkeys , then he lost his all his sons and daughters. Then satan caused him to have sores from his feet to his head. Can you guess who this man is.. Job. What a man after God's own heart he was trusted God fully with everything he had!

"After Job had prayed for his friends, the LORD mad him prosperous again and gave him twice as much as he had before." Job 42:10

We all face hardships in our lives whether it be with family, friends, your boyfriend or girlfriend or some else that may be close to you. But in all of that we have to keep our eyes on the Prize as they say. Our Prize is God, how awesome and amazing the Lord is to us.

Over the past few years I have faced some hardships with my family. Once we were so close but now not so much. I know there are things I have done to cause this. as well as the other members of the family  and things said by both parties that have hurt the other one. As I started to have to deal with the situation four years ago .. I remember this song over and over again coming into my brain. I remember that I have someone who is with me fighting for the right thing to happen. For us to come together and not strain apart.
Praising thr Lord while going through hardships may be hard at time and you feel like you don't know why you should praise him , things aren't praiseworthy. No matter we still need to Praise the Lord we have another day to follow him to try to make things right and fix things. We may not be able to quickly and may not come for years, but still Praise the Lord for all he has done for you. Keeping you safe, giving you people who will encourage you. We go through Storms that's a part of Life and when we think we barely can hear the Lord we need to be quiet and really listen . God is always with us and never leaves us no matter what. How awesome is that Gods loves us and wants to be in a relationship with us, even though the hardships he's still right next to us. Holding our hands and guiding us though the storms of life we go through.

Like Job, who went though so many hardships, we should not turn our back on God cause he doesn't turn our back on us. He loves us wants to be next to us and we go through are storms like Job. When you go through something hard look to the sky and sing these words. God is with all of us, right next to us. We have to be the ones willing to listen and letting the Lord lead.


As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus:]
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You
 Casting Crowns- Praise You In This Storm

Happy Birthday Little one!!!

November 14, 2013

Jose,

I cant believe this year you would be 2. Oh how time has gone by. I think about you everyday and when I sleep i see you in my dreams. You are beautiful little man. I am so proud to be your mommy! So lets see at 2 you would be hitting the no, me, my stage and walking everywhere. I have been able to see what  you would be doing with the job I have. I am so thankful for that. I know you are happy and smiling all the time. I know you are with your Great Grandparents on both sides ( mommy and daddy). I know that they are having fun with you and you make them smile. Your daddy grandpa loves seeing you and holding your little hand and my grandparents have just as much fun with you. You always have someone to hold your little hands. Mommy and Daddy both love you, even though we have gone through a lot of struggles since you have gone to heaven we will always love you . I was just thinking about you being here with us at the age of 2 and both of us ( mommy and daddy) holding one of your hands as you swing. Oh little one I can just see the smile on your sweet little face. How you smile like your daddy with your eyes and they have this sweet sparkle that he has. So this year for your birthday we will celebrate you and be happy and not sad like we usually are because we know we will see you one day! How happy we will be. So happy Birthday to our Little Love!
We love you and can't wait til we ourselves can hold you. Kisses to you ...

Always and Forever your
Mommy and Daddy