13 years and I still miss you

 13 years ago today I was driving from seeing your dad when I got into a car accident. 

13 years today is when I felt something wrong wasn't right inside. 

13 years today I cried like.i have never cried before from pain, fear and heartache.

So what's happened in those 13 years.

Well- your dad and I are not together (which may have been hard for you to understand, but er did what was best for us). 

I met someone who would have loved you and you him. Someone who cares for me, who would have cared for you and treated you like his own son.

You would be a teenager and I honestly don't know how times gone by so fast. You would be in middle school, that would be interesting. You would probably be taller then me and that would help this short mom with getting things that are on higher shelves when Chad's (your dad) not around. We would sit and talk, knowing us, you would be active and be in some form of sports. 

You would be close to your Nana and Aunt's and Uncle's, I know and would be helping Nana with her garden beds. 

You would be jamming out with your uncle's and learning to play guitar and you probably would love to sing and dance. 

You would probably like the outdoors and hopefully fishing. 

Know that I love you so much and I miss you so much. Come visit me sometime in my dreams. You helped me grow in so many ways you don't even know and I thank you for that. 

God has used our story to help so many people when it comes to talking about miscarriages. We have helped so many people. 

I will always love you and I will never forget you, ever. I will always be your mom and you will always be one of my angel babies!!

Su Mama

In a few seconds

 On March 24th, my world as I knew it though it might come crumbling down. My husband woke me up after having a heart attack trying to wake me to tell me something was wrong. He was able to get me up before having his second one. We get to the ER thinking that his neck finally was done. Mind you he's been on L and I for many years and we knew that there were some things to be concerned about with him when it comes to his neck and shoulder. We rushed to the ER and get there, where I thank the Lord for having a security guard walking back that saw me and got me a wheelchair, the ER people got his vitals and then noticed something was wrong. The ER nurse that had the EKG tech come immediately and check then to see him racing around looking for a doctor. My heart sank. I knew something was wrong with my husband, as he sat in the chair getting his vitals done and sweating through his Carhartt clothes, something was wrong when I saw the pupils of his eyes so big you couldn't see the color around them. When he couldn't lift his head. Then they tell me the most haunting words, your husband's having a mini heart attack. They rush him back, then it hits me, I might never see him alive again, I might be losing my best friend, and there nothing I can do. I go back out to get my visitor's badge holding back the tears when I hear it come through the walkie-talkie that they have a cardiac in rm 24. Everything goes blank I don't know how to tell my work I'm not able to come in and why. Or who I should call or anything. All I know is I need to see my husband. I need to hear him tell me he loves me even if it's for the last time. I need to be near him cause he completes me. I need to hold his hand and look into his eyes and hear him tell me we can get through this. As the security guard takes me back through the doors and down the hall, I felt like we need to go faster, the hallway looks so long. I finally get to the area his room is in and All I see is DOCTORS (3 of them) standing outside his door. A social worker standing outside, Machines all over, and nurses inside the room, and finally I saw a little sliver of my husband's face and see he's ok. I didn't know what to say but in my brain, I'm YELLING at the doctor's TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED. Chad kept telling them my wife she knows to talk to my wife. They finally tell me after many questions are asked. Your Husband had 3 heart attacks, my heart breaks and I feel like I'm there but in my brain, I'm saying what happened, what could we have done to prevent this. We sat together, I cried and tried so hard not to cry in front of him but I just would start crying and wouldn't be able to stop for a few. We called family when I was able to get my wits about me and my mom came and sat with us. Talked to us and Prayed with us. I was so thankful for her coming out to sit with us and be there for us. I had to leave once they found chad a room and that was even harder. I didn't want to leave, I felt like I  left but left my heart there with him. I came home and moved all those clean clothes on his side of the bed so I could feel like he was there. I called him crying, worried about him, and just couldn't sleep. Missed him not being next to me. Kept rolling over looking for him. He had a microscopic incision they found the area in the left side where there must have been a clot. That he has a plac disease and his heart looks good. Now it's been a day over a week and it's been interesting, we have changed our eating habits, I keep waking up in the middle of the night freaking out. Checking on him making sure he's ok. WE KNOW GOD has a reason for us going through all this, We rest in the Lord that he will show us what the next chapter of our lives is. ALL WE KNOW is it's one day at a time and GOD HAS A PLAN for US.

Dancing in the sky

Today as I sit here staring at the light candle thinking a lot about what it means to have suffered a miscarriage. I started listening to the song "Dancing in the sky". I have always been open about my miscarriages in the past. I have had 3 from my first relationship and I hurt so much physically, mentally, and emotionally. I struggled with horrible depression and hate for my children's father, cause he wasn't there when I felt I needed him. He was gone with someone else cheating on me while I was home suffering in silence and reeling from the pain. I dealt with that quietly. Now we faced it again last September and this time was so much different. I wasn't alone, I wasn't dealing with things on my own, my husband was by my side the whole time. He held me as I cried so hard and wailed from the sheer pain of what was happening. He was my rock as my stomach hurt so badly I knew what was going on and felt like I wanted to go and curl up in a ball and die. He sat with me as I sat in the bathroom as I wondered when the pain would end and saying your so strong and I love you. He held me all night long as I cried again and helped me get up each day for the next week when I didn't want to move I just wanted to sleep and wallow. Tonight as I sit here and think about things a lot of memories and pain come back and as I write these tears run down my eyes. I know though one day I will see all of them again and I will embrace the love we have for each other. 

This song makes me cry too 

I hope you're dancing in the sky
And I hope you're singing in the angels' choir
And I hope the angels know what they have
I'll bet it's so nice up in heaven since you've arrived 

Today is October 15th, I light my candle with other mothers and fathers who have lost there baby and children too soon. 

I am 1in4 who have suffered a miscarriage. 

Til Death To Us Part!!

Its been 3 months since I stood in front of my family and friends and said I do to the man of my dreams. I had given up on "love" after I had a few bad relationships and was fine with the thought of being single and just living life. Knowing it was OK to be single. Finding myself and getting my relationship with God back on track. When I met this guy, who was so different from any man I had ever met. Who stole my heart and helped me grow in my relationships with others and God. We've had our trials and seen our hardships. This sis something that I know would never had happened without giving it to God first. I can say from my experience and the relationships I had been in which were toxic and disfunctional. That my husband showed me what functional, happy and healthy relationships are like. God is amazing and falling from the bottom of the barrel to feeling like I'm on top of the world with God and the wonderful man he Gave me I could never be more grateful.

Always and Forever~

My Sweet Little Princess,

Sept. 3rd  Anber-Lynn was the day the Lord took you to heaven. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about your brother and you. I have fun dreams of you two in heaven, and so has your daddy. I know the time in our lives when we lost your was such a roller coaster ride. Mommy and Daddy where not in a healthy place in our lives but the Love for you was always there. This year on your anniversary was hard for me. To think now you would be 7 months old. That is so crazy to think about so you would be getting up and holding your self up rocking back and forth getting ready to walk if you haven't already tried. Lydia the puppy would make you laugh cause she would kiss you, you would be her little baby to protect. Your Aunts would never want to put you down cause they love babies and your Uncles would love making you smile. Your Grandparents would love spoiling you, cause it would be a girl!

Can't Believe its been a year!

So much has changed in this last year,  I have tried to mend the bridge.  But sadly there's  nothing to mend, the pain  from the past revealed that sometimes the thing you think you want you really don't. Don't get me wrong I thought I could leave the past in the past but instead the past came back to bite in the end. I have finally realized that I need to let  go once and for all. That means making new memories and letting go of the pain and hurt that I for so long have kept. Laughing, I know that may sound weird but its been a long time since I have laughed like I do these days. Its time to be happy and knowing that I tried my best, even though I know at times I was not the easiest person, I did try. Moving forward I know at times can be hard as there are things in life I know I would like to tell you. Thinking your only a phone call or a txt away, but for that reason I knowingly had to let all of that go.  I will always be thankful for the lessons taught me and for the person I have become because of those lessons.

It was months, and months of back and forth, ah ah
You're still all over me like a wine-stained dress I can't wear anymore
Hung my head, as I lost the war, and the sky turned black like a perfect storm

Rain came pouring down when I was drowning
That's when I could finally breathe
And by morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean

There was nothing left to do, ah ah
When the butterflies turned to dust, they covered my whole room
So I punched a hole in the roof, ah ah
Let the flood carry away all my pictures of you
The water filled my lungs, I screamed so loud but no one heard a thing

Rain came pouring down when I was drowning
That's when I could finally breathe
And by morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean
I think I am finally clean, ah
Said, I think I am finally clean, ah

Ten months sober, I must admit
Just because you're clean don't mean you don't miss it
Ten months older I won't give in
Now that I'm clean I'm never gonna risk it

  Taylor Swift - Clean Lyrics | MetroLyrics

 It's time to leave the sadness behind, yes i may think about the fun times every once in a while and when I do I will smile. Finally I can say I will be ok, I will find happiness and one day God will bring that special someone to me and he will be able to complete me!

Rain came pouring down when I was drowning
That's when I could finally breathe
And by morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean
Rain came pouring down when I was drowning
That's when I could finally breathe
And by morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean
Finally clean, think I'm finally clean, ah ah
Think I'm finally clean
  Taylor Swift - Clean Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Looking to God...

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble. whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me-put it into practice. And the Lord of peace will be with you. 
                                                                          Philippians 4:8-9


When we as humans get down on ourselves we think about all the pain we have caused or have had in our lives or we play the blame game with ourselves.  The maybes, if i only, what if, but in all reality how is that gonna help us. How are the maybes, if only and what if going to help, we know they are not but we keep ourselves there beating ourselves up for the changes that we cannot make now but feel we should have made in the past. 
That is not what God want us to do though, he doesn't want us to dwell on the things of the past, the things we could have maybe done differently. Instead he wants us to think about the things these verses say. What true, noble, right, pure , lovely, admirable, anything excellent or praiseworthy. In all honesty those are hard, to think about whatever is  life or mine. Coming from what seems like the lowest of lows and falling into God's open arms is such an amazing feeling. Looking to him for comfort and asking him to help the past stay in the past and not come to the front of the new that I want my life to be. I want to follow God fully putting off the old garbs and putting on fresh new clothes, in other words