Can't Believe its been a year!

So much has changed in this last year,  I have tried to mend the bridge.  But sadly there's  nothing to mend, the pain  from the past revealed that sometimes the thing you think you want you really don't. Don't get me wrong I thought I could leave the past in the past but instead the past came back to bite in the end. I have finally realized that I need to let  go once and for all. That means making new memories and letting go of the pain and hurt that I for so long have kept. Laughing, I know that may sound weird but its been a long time since I have laughed like I do these days. Its time to be happy and knowing that I tried my best, even though I know at times I was not the easiest person, I did try. Moving forward I know at times can be hard as there are things in life I know I would like to tell you. Thinking your only a phone call or a txt away, but for that reason I knowingly had to let all of that go.  I will always be thankful for the lessons taught me and for the person I have become because of those lessons.

It was months, and months of back and forth, ah ah
You're still all over me like a wine-stained dress I can't wear anymore
Hung my head, as I lost the war, and the sky turned black like a perfect storm

Rain came pouring down when I was drowning
That's when I could finally breathe
And by morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean

There was nothing left to do, ah ah
When the butterflies turned to dust, they covered my whole room
So I punched a hole in the roof, ah ah
Let the flood carry away all my pictures of you
The water filled my lungs, I screamed so loud but no one heard a thing

Rain came pouring down when I was drowning
That's when I could finally breathe
And by morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean
I think I am finally clean, ah
Said, I think I am finally clean, ah

Ten months sober, I must admit
Just because you're clean don't mean you don't miss it
Ten months older I won't give in
Now that I'm clean I'm never gonna risk it

  Taylor Swift - Clean Lyrics | MetroLyrics

 It's time to leave the sadness behind, yes i may think about the fun times every once in a while and when I do I will smile. Finally I can say I will be ok, I will find happiness and one day God will bring that special someone to me and he will be able to complete me!

Rain came pouring down when I was drowning
That's when I could finally breathe
And by morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean
Rain came pouring down when I was drowning
That's when I could finally breathe
And by morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean
Finally clean, think I'm finally clean, ah ah
Think I'm finally clean
  Taylor Swift - Clean Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Looking to God...

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble. whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me-put it into practice. And the Lord of peace will be with you. 
                                                                          Philippians 4:8-9


When we as humans get down on ourselves we think about all the pain we have caused or have had in our lives or we play the blame game with ourselves.  The maybes, if i only, what if, but in all reality how is that gonna help us. How are the maybes, if only and what if going to help, we know they are not but we keep ourselves there beating ourselves up for the changes that we cannot make now but feel we should have made in the past. 
That is not what God want us to do though, he doesn't want us to dwell on the things of the past, the things we could have maybe done differently. Instead he wants us to think about the things these verses say. What true, noble, right, pure , lovely, admirable, anything excellent or praiseworthy. In all honesty those are hard, to think about whatever is  life or mine. Coming from what seems like the lowest of lows and falling into God's open arms is such an amazing feeling. Looking to him for comfort and asking him to help the past stay in the past and not come to the front of the new that I want my life to be. I want to follow God fully putting off the old garbs and putting on fresh new clothes, in other words

Happy Mother's Day!

I want to start out by talking about my adopted mom who I always have know as mom and  who will always be my mom. Almost 26 years ago my mom travel thousands of miles to go to a country where she didn't know the language to well and adopted me. We have had many adventures together, we have had out heart aches and healing just like anyone else. My mom and I have always been close or at least for the most part. My mom has seen me go through my fair share of heart ache and joy. My mom to me is an amazing person she has raised 3 adult children and has 2 children under the age of 10 that she is raising and shaping them into fine Christians.

Growing up as a kid I always remember thinking how amazing my mom was cause she worked, raised me and my older siblings, was our cheerleader at sports or singing, always said you can be whatever you want to be. Always loved us even when we have been hard to love. Always made us laugh and been there when we have cried. I love how we still to this day can go to mom and talk. I remember as a kid my mom's bed was like the no judgement zone and when we needed to talk to her thats where we went. I LOVE YOU MOM WITH ALL MY HEART.


Now I want to talk about my biological mom, I honestly dont think I have ever said anything about her on mother's day before. Its one of those hardships that I have had to deal with throughout my life but now feel like I can talk about it and it doesn't hurt. I want to thank her on this mother's day weekend, I know that to some may seem weird but I do want to thank her. My biological mother loved me enough that she gave me up for adoption. My biological mother went into a near by hospital and had me and left knowing that the people at the hospital would take care of me and find me a good home. To me that is such an sweet sacrifice and loving beyond belief.


For those who like me have a hard time on mother's day due to your loss (of a child). This day can be hard, but I have to remember to be happy for those who are mothers and are having children even when it is for me hard to be happy. We are mothers as well its just a different kind of mom that we are. We don't get to see our little ones grow into these amazing people here on earth but we have to remember they are amazing people in Heaven. They don't have to feel the pain we have here on earth or the heartaches, they are happy they don't have the pain we do and are so happy and joyful. I can make us happy to know that.

On this Mother's Day, I wanna say thank you to my mom and bio mom for the love and sacrifices you both have made for me and for my little ones.. I will see u when God calls me home and how awesome it will be to see you faces!
 

Happy Easter!

On a beautiful Sunday morning as I woke up got dressed and ready to go to the church I have known for many years and had come to love. I pondered over this thought as I sat in back with my family on one side and dear friends and there granddaughter on the other. What would it be like to have had my children they would have been 2 yrs and 2 mon.  Wow how time fly's, as I sat in the back singing all the songs and listening to the few words the worship leader had to say and the announcements. I was day dreaming thinking about what could have been. Then a song started a song that I have loved since i was a little girl. As I started singing the song with the congregation i hear my little sister's sweet voice starting to sing her heart out to the Lord and on the other side was a sweet little 3 yr old who was trying so hard to sing. It made me cry and think about all the sweet little angels that God has called home before we here on earth got to meet them. As I listened and sang I felt like I could hear my two little ones like any mom would say singing, there little hears out.

This the Power-

Oh, to see the dawn
Of the darkest day:
Christ on the road to Calvary.
Tried by sinful men,
Torn and beaten, then
Nailed to a cross of wood.

Chorus:
This, the power of the cross:
Christ became sin for us
Took the blame, bore the wrath—
We stand forgiven at the cross.

Oh, to see the pain
Written on Your face,
Bearing the awesome weight of sin.
Every bitter thought,
Every evil deed
Crowning Your bloodstained brow.

Now the daylight flees
Now the ground beneath
Quakes as its Maker bows His head.
Curtain torn in two,
Dead are raised to life;
"Finished!" the victory cry.

Oh, to see my name
Written in the wounds,
For through Your suffering I am free.
Death is crushed to death
Life is mine to live,
Won through Your selfless love.

This, the power of the cross:
Son of God—slain for us
What a love! What a cost!

We stand forgiven at the cross. 

As I come out of a bad relationship and many losses I cant help but to think about how much more Christ being on the cross was. To know that the Lord has taken all our issues and everything we do as humans and the sins that we have. To think about what a mighty and amazing God we have. I know for me I have done stuff to cause him pain and he was nailed to the cross. 

I cry every time I see those words or sing that song. Its a good thing, its for me a reminder for what an Awesome and Amazing God we have. Happy Easter everyone. Remember why we celebrate. He has Risen! 

Broken Hallelujah

These last 4 years has been a year of tons of hardships that I am coming to grips like after 4 yrs of promises, its finally time to move on without that person. Time to stand on my own two feet and fight for my self and look for Gods wisdom and listen to what he has planned for me and what he wants for my life, (which for someone like me who is stubborn is not always that easy to do).

These last 4 yrs have taught me a lot about myself , what type of people I want in my life, what I will allow people to say and do in my life. I am going to take the bull by the horns finally.


I can barely stand right now.
Everything is crashing down,
And I wonder where You are.

I try to find the words to pray.
I don't always know what to say,
But You're the one that can hear my heart.

Even though I don't know what your plan is,
I know You're making beauty from these ashes. The Afters " Broken Hallelujah"


When my relationship of the past 4 yrs came to a close I  heard this song and cried and cried. I felt like my life was crashing down all around me, I started to learn a lot of things that were going wrong in the relationship.  I felt the betrayal, my heart crushing into a million pieces, the hurt , the pain.

With nothing left to hold onto,
I raise these empty hands to You.
Here's my broken hallelujah.

You know the things that have brought me here.
You know the story of every tear.
‘Cause You've been here from the very start.


I had nothing left, my relationship over due to betrayal and figured out there was no loyalty from the person I thought I new. I remember looking up and asking God to help me figure out before the break up how to get out and when we broke up how to go forward and looking to God to help me.
I remember crying and saying to God I need you now and help me figure things out as I go forward from all of this.

 Even though I don't know what your plan is,
I know You're making beauty from these ashes.

I've seen joy and I've seen pain.
On my knees, I call Your name.
Here's my broken hallelujah.

I know that God will bring Joy from all that I have gone through. I will follow him and figure out life with God's help. I want to be happy and know that my happiness I will gain through God. 

When all is taken away, don't let my heart be changed.
Let me always sing Hallelujah
When I feel afraid, don't let my hope be erased
Let me always sing Hallelujah.
Let me always sing Hallelujah.

I will always sing
I will always sing
Here's my broken hallelujah. 

The Afters 

" Broken Hallelujah"

I love you forever....

To my little Princess,

Anber-lynn what a name that is. That name was nothing I liked at first but your daddy really liked it. You where a surprise that I was so happy about. I couldn't believe that God had blessed me again with another little joy like you. You were a very happy baby. When i told your dad that I was pretty positive I was pregnant he was in disbelief but was happy. You were a happy baby that I could tell. I didn't get sick while I was pregnant with you or your brother. I also loved going to the store and looking at little girls clothing and picking out cute little outfits that I wanted to buy for you and what colors you would wear and how cute you would look in everything. You liked everything i ate and somethings I really didn't like til I was pregnant with you. Every night the puppy would come lay by my tummy and protect you from everything. Lydia the puppy loved my little growing baby belly.

On September 3, 2013 I felt weird the kind of weird I felt with your brother and sadly I new what was happening. You were so loved and so wanted but God wanted you more. So on that day you went home. That night as I lay my head down and cried when i finally fell asleep I had a dream and I saw you and your brother. Oh how fun it was to see you happy little faces. You and your brother were holding hands and laughing. Oh how that made me smile and I had to wipe away the tears. I love you so much my little princess and I am so thankful that I am your momma! I cant wait til I see you one day in Heaven!

"I love you forever,
I'll like you for always;
As long as I am living,
My baby you will be." I love you forever by Robert Munsch